Deyasini Thinks

And in the funeral service of his father, we met again. At the first look, I couldn't recognize him. That man bun, those blue sunglasses were replaced with a bald head and round glasses. Thirteen years of IT consultancy does that to a man, I guess; in this case, it killed the musician inside. In so many ways, I perceived myself as a lot luckier than my other counterparts. Living amidst people who constantly kept cribbing about how boring and unchallenging their jobs were, I got to live life on my own terms. Traveling between countries, meeting new people every day, making new ties, and breaking old ones in a wink; just the kind I imagined while I was still in college. In my case, I got to live the dream. Apparently, life was not that easy a cakewalk for most of the others. Otherwise, Nikhil would have been the greatest beatboxer ever. Only, at our times, nobody understood his art.  I felt a bit disappointed looking at him, the way you feel when a guest turns up not looking the way ...

Dear Rituparno Ghosh, I hope this letter finds you(if in some extra-terrestrial, ghostly way it ever does) happy, peaceful and above all, accepted in the new world you now belong to. I do not really believe in an afterlife but deaths like yours want me to believe in some sort of continuity. Something that my heart can still cling to because the blank truth of somebody's existence so blatantly wiped off from the surface of the world makes so little sense to me. In a historic judgement made by the Supreme Court two days earlier, gay couples are now legally allowed to get involved and married and live together happily ever after. Finally, they have the permission of the law to have their own fairy tale ending. But how much of the war is really won, I do not know. Law is a cold statement meant to be brought to life by the people meant to enforce it. You fought a lifelong war trying to get adjusted in a society that looks down at effeminate men with mockery and contempt, ostracizes peop...

At first, you don't see it coming. At first, the depths of your feelings are lost in the frivolity and the levity of your friendship. In the beginning, you're so certain of your existing love that you cannot believe you'll fall over or out. You believe that your sense of righteousness and virtue would bond you. But you are human, fallible, and perhaps, not half as glorious as you assumed yourself to be. So slowly, you give yourself away, secret by secret, pain by pain. Moment by moment, day by day you witness yourself fall for another man and you hate yourself, you loathe yourself but you are at a slippery edge and you can't stop falling. And then you slowly start seeing signs of the impending catastrophe but you are already enjoying the stolen time, the time you are not accountable anymore, the time you can be someone else and you let it be.  And in those moments, being happy becomes more important than being saintly. The jaunty conversations get breezier than the rest...

I have come to a point in my life where my happiness does not depend on other people anymore, where anything people say or do to me, good or bad does not affect me. It's not that I don't care.  I do, probably just as much as I did years ago but I just don't show it anymore because life has taught me that people will always think and speak based on their perceptions and I cannot really explain things to people who just don't want to understand. So I have just got a little cold about everything now. Not sad, not happy. Just neutral.  You want to talk with me, I'll be as nice as I can. You don't want to have anything to do with me, nobody's holding the door close. Leave in your time. And don't fear about how I feel because trust me heavily on this, I feel nothing anymore. I have come to believe that the actual root of life's many problems are too many expectations and I have admonished and corrected myself and no, I don't expect any more. I hope but...