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Adulting: The Art of Crushing Your Dreams Efficiently

I always wanted to grow up, wanted to turn eighteen. I felt that adulthood stores all the treasures that are forbidden in childhood. I could be anybody, do anything. I would have no one to hold me back, no one to stop me, no one to tell me Deyasini you cant do this and I would be free. The very thought that someday this freedom would be mine made me so excited to grow up, to turn eighteen. 

Expectation Vs Reality 

And then, one day, I grew up. It happened suddenly. Just one sunny morning, I woke up and looked into the mirror and I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I chased deadlines as my life depended on them, continued to worry about things I never wanted to do, cried for failures in fields I never wanted to achieve in the first place. I stayed friends with people I didn’t like instead of just saying Katti, you hurt me I don’t want to talk with anymore. I kept taking all of the unnecessary advice acquaintances had to offer in the name of goodwill. I took them all. But looking into my reflection that morning, noticing my dishevelled hair, the patchy eyes, darkened lips, I couldn’t recognize myself.

Adulting: Crushing Your Dreams?

It must be wrong somewhere, I said to myself. This is not who I imagined myself to be. This was not how my adulthood was supposed to look, it was supposed to be more freeing, more relaxing, more beautiful. I was not to constantly worry. I was to try my luck in what I liked and I was supposed to achieve my goals with flying colours. This is wrong, I said to myself. This is not you. Something’s missing. Remember how you slept with so many dreams in your eyes, it’s time to fulfil them. Don’t stop now. But I had already stopped. Way before I could grow up, I gave up. I gave my life to strangers. I let them decide for me and I was too afraid to say no. I still am. I wanted different, I got different. I got what I never asked for and I was not happy. I was not free. I was not the captain of my ship, the driver of my car. Someone else had control and I had accepted it and just struggled to survive. I was merely surviving, let alone be happy. I knew somewhere deep down that I can never be happy now. I’d choked my happiness to death and while it begged me to stop, I simply looked away. My adulthood is miles away from the one I so carefully imagined for myself. The one I craved to grow up for. But that is not the worst thing. The worst is, a haunting thought creeps me sometimes and it says nothing will ever change, Deyasini. You were born unworthy, you’ll die unworthy. Your place does not matter. Your absence will not be felt. And in my darkest place, I think it might be the truth.





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  1. Meetu Kaur22 April 2021 at 23:03

    Yes, this is absolutely true. But the fact is we all are in the phase of transition from expectations to reality, and reality has to be different. So we can't do anything about that, instead we can try to be the better versions of ourselves now. We still have time and resources to explore many things and be whatever we want to be.

    Wo kehte hai na... "Jab Jago, Tabhi Savera".

    Life goes on, we should never underestimate ourselves, and one time our day will also come for sure.

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    1. Deyasini23 April 2021 at 15:16

      You are absolutely correct, Meetu. Life is like the river. No matter what circumstances we face or what hurdles bog us down, Life flows in an unidirectional flow. That is why I am so grateful to have positive people like you in my life who have taught me hope and the significance of willpower.

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