Excerpts from my Last Heartbreak

I took a trip down memory lane today collecting all the poems  I wrote between 2016 and 2019. Its funny how mysteriously time changes our thoughts, our emotions and people who we couldn't dream our existences without become insignificant, their places slowly taken by bigger hearts. However, somewhere in the dark, the last remnant of the pain remains and out of a blue, on a sunny day, it pokes our peace, staggers its skeleton out of the repugnant and clandestine slimy web of our happiness and says: Remember me! I existed within you.

This blog post is just a reminder to who I was and an unsaid letter of gratitude to everything that went wrong, everybody who stood with me through my woes, and everybody who left me in the murky cesspool.

 #1 First to Last

First, we kissed ’cause we loved

Then we hugged ’cause we cared

Then we met cause it mattered

Then we called ’cause we still cared

Then we texted ’cause we hoped

Then we stopped ’cause we were tired

And in that increasing count of missed calls

and un-replied( perhaps un-received) messages

WE died to keep ourselves alive. 

#2 Does it?

Does it ever cross your brilliant mind that your words knive me down to a permanent purgatory?

Does it ever occur to you that I don't want this fight anymore?

Does it ever come to your behold sight how many rules I have broken for you?

Stood alone, stood through time

Just in order to make you smile.

I'm more for principles, order, and care

You more for chaos and outrageousness

Does it ever dawn upon your reckless soul that you ask for way too much?

Does it ever ring a bell that despite every deed, why does it hurt? 

#3 Impalpable

I bet you'll love me

I bet you'll care

When I take my dying breath

And you won't be near 

Now, think me loud in your head

And imagine me there

Lying in a hospital bed

Cold and in fear

Look through the bloodied mess

Look in my eyes

Where in darkness lies undressed

The shadows of your lies 

Now pay close attention to all of my scars

And think how responsible were you of us?

Yeah that one, you see that

That's my rib, broken apart

Pierced right down, into my dear left kidney

That's what you are seeing through my dead and ruptured skin 

Now, are you happy? Are you done?

Is this what you wanted?

Rotting dead, far from you

Do you get how rude you were?

Ahh, no, no not  this time

Dare you not touch my face

Stay away and gawk like that

At my face, marred with pain. 

#4 Listen 

Listen to the songs that I play

'Cause they say what I can't say

Just pay heed to them

One day you"ll understand

It was your one stealing glance that I needed

'Cause you were someone who could light my days

With you, I could just had felt okay

Now you're gone, just your music plays

Now we're over, let my lyrics say

That all I'll ever know is only you. 

#5 Rosy lives

Skip these days over if you can or take me back to where it all began

In those silent nights and lofty heights

Where bloom in radiance our rosy lives

Where footsteps show the paths we took

And pigeons groove to our music, aloof

Where the crickets hum the anthem of love and leeches bite in the germ of penchant

Where the clear fountain of youth sprays round the sweet elixir of our chaste smiles, raw

Take me back to those days, please 

Where you and I used to be we! 

#6 You and I

What makes you and I so difficult to be us? Is it our zodiac signs?

You are Aries and I am Sagittarius.

Or is it the languages that cast a barrier?  You speak Bangla as brokenly as I speak your mother-tongue

Is it the regions where we are from? The hill and the plains, how come are they so different in all their manners?

Or is just our demeanours? You, a shy cornered poet at heart and me, an extroverted fashion blogger

Or is it nothing? Do we not mean half this much? We are just two souls whose paths will never cross

We are like the North poles of two magnets always staying at a minimum distance 

We are like ships wrecked on shores of the same island but the only problem we lie in some different worlds

Some parallel timelines, some alternate universes; look how hard I am trying to make sense of us being apart! 

Are you and I so very alienated from a we? That we can’t at all be stretched closer together?

Stretched and stitched for eternity’s sake, why can’t we try to make this work?

Are we the Opposites in all the feasible ways?

Then why don’t we attract like those old books say? 

#7 Bereaved

If the freshness of my love, Oh Old love, gets overshadowed by the web casted by your new young lover

If the rain hitting on your window can't match up-to the storm inside your heart

If my memory doesn't ring as much as bell of joy in your mind anymore

If her naive touch doesn't make the boat of your eyes brim with salty water,

Remind you of my grip on your purple cheeks

If the blood in your veins doesn't boil when you see me with another man

If your body doesn't shudder at the thought of me being alone in a stenchy rotten void

Then, consider old love forsaken and believe that I'm gone for good

But if on a sullen night, the breeze slaps your face with strength

And a faint memory of me builds a tornado in your heart

Then, come kiss me immediately 'cause I've been waiting forever impatiently. 

#8 Forlorn

I know you are jealous to see her fly

Brooding how lucky she's to touch the sky

Alas, you know her story not

If so, you'd known her fortune's rot

She is a forlorn, lonesome kite

Lost in the darkness of the night

Her bearer soar her up too high 

Then slack her string and let her fly

Into the deep dark ocean of infinite

She looks for her bearer, my darling kite 

#9 Khayal(Hindi)

Kabhi kabhi mere dil mein yeh khayal aata hai 

Ki tujh sang mera mann bhi mujhse ruth baitha hai 

Mana dil nahi hai gulam tere ishq ka magar 

Rehm toh phir bhi dil tujse mangta hai

Yeh ankhon mein kya hai jaadu 

Nazre milke bhi na milti hai 

Inn baaton mein hai kya arzu 

Har baar adhoore chutte hai 

Hai ek pal mein itna apna tu 

Hai dusre hi pal mein bebaak anjaaan 

Aise pyar se yun maarna sirf tujhiko aa sakta hai

Hai maan liya hai humne kabka 

Ki ishq toh nahi hai tujhe 

Par, aye dil yeh kaise na maane ki mohabbat toh hai mujhe 

Jaane hue baaton ko agar na mane koi 

Tu bata de kyase bhala unko samjhaye koi 

Haa yaakein ki tujhe aitbaar toh nahi 

Magar pehchan nahi yeh maanna aasan bhi nahi 

Yaadon mein dubi khyalein mujhse yun puchte hai, 

Pyar ko khalish itni jaldi kaise mitati hai 

Yeh duniyan zaalim pyar karna toh sikhati hai 

Par guzre pyar ko bhulae kaise 

Yeh koi na batata hai

Aaj waqt hai naazuk, issliye teri yaad aati hai 

Aaj dil hai kamzor, toh teri khayal aati hai 

Aaj pyar hai majboor, toh dard hota hai 

Aaj tu nahi hai, toh tera gham hota hai 

Par dil toh hai gulam waqt ka aur waqt badalta hai 

Kisi ke bhi dehleez pe woh na baith ta hai 

Aaj agar waqt tera hai, toh kal mera bhi waqt aayega 

Aaj maana pyar mushkil hai, kal aasaan ho jayega 

Aaj shayad main yaad bhi nahi, kal yaakein ban jayungi 

Aaj mana dil mar gaya hai, par kal phir woh jaag jayega 

Aaj toh tujhe pyar nahi hai, kal zaroor ho jayega

#10 Void

Its a pure vacuum and it makes me feel so 'lone

And it's true that you're gone but I keep shrieking no

All your things left in home mean nothing anymore

It's such a strange destiny things stay people go to different time planes.

And sometimes I am so angry that I feel like I will

Burn the house down and bring the world to flames by just breathing

And I could hold the pain but I have no such intention

'Cause if I feel something I may better use it in a poem so that it means something

All the pain that I am in right now just feels so vain

Better use it in poetry than throw it down the drain

However now I know this that no matter how long I say this and write long and winding, creepy goosy poems about it

I'm never moving past it

Its a boulder I don't wish to climb past but instead

I wanna take its baggage with me at every point from that day

And I am bad  at finding new things so all I do is note it

This pain which's played on repeat

Everything from a matchbox to a bald head

Any man bespectacled reminds me of your face

I can barely endure but I can ensure that it's not fucking hard to get through this hole

'Cause the character of pain is to override all sorrow that you'be felt in your past, so

Better emote these jilts now which threaten to keep you down

And my head goes all hollow like I am four tequila shots down

But everything I do is to make a big facade

Keep fooling, all around me 

They keep trusting that I am all fine

When it feels like a big bullet stuck in my fucking head

In the end of this day, the truth stays that you're so away 

That I can want all I wanna want to

But I am never ever gonna meet you

There's a hole in my soul which no soul will ever fill up

In the end, I am just empty feeling nothing like a zombie

And I know you'd loved to have read it but no issues now you don't exist. 

#11 Far from the Crowd

Far from the crowd, from the lights, from the chaos

A girl built her home in the hills.

And brick by brick and stone by stone

She distanced herself from the rest.

Many a people tried to get into, many a people fell

So many a people gave up trying, so many a people called her names.  

But she never let anyone in

Cherished her own company.

And when  the night got too dark, she still wanted none to break-in,

But she never let anyone in, never let her guards down

And when someone knocked too hard

She just turned her music up too loud 

Down in  the crowd, a man heard this

And wanted to break through her walls

He knocked and he knocked and he banged and he banged

But she never said a sweet thing.

He climbed up the wall and he sat up there

Waiting for her to come out

For hours and for days and for nights and for months,

He didn't leave that place

He tried to bring out the lonesome waif

He tried to talk her pain out

So, when she finally showed herself out of her pitch deep house

He thought it was his big win. 

But she never let anyone in

Even if he crossed the wall

So just when he thought she's cosy and out

She threw and locked him in a dungeon

For her heart was of stone, she didn't bleed

Even for someone worthy

And he knew this when he died alone

He knew he'd been played hard with 

Far from the crowd, from the light, from the chaos

A girl lived in her fort

And nobody came close and nobody knocked

And none even dared say hello 

And she always lived alone

Always ran from warm souls

Always cared for too less

Always stayed so alone.